Breaking the Bonds

YOU CAN'T HOLD ME BACK FOREVER VINCENT! 
I WILL BREAK OUT!
I WILL DO WHAT I WANT!
I WILL WATCH YOUR WORLD BURN!
YOU MADE A DEAL WITH ME VINCENT!
YOU MADE A FUCKING DEAL!
YOU WON'T SHUT ME OUT FOREVER!
I'LL BREAK FREE, I WILL HAVE CONTROL!

....................................................................................................

Dearest Reader,

His voice slowly quiets as I enter the church after getting groceries. I have grown slightly accustom to his complaints and are baring them tolerably.

I'm unsure what to write....I...I'm ashamed at my own stupidity....my own actions two nights ago. I killed someone who was very important to someone I loved...I...I let Samael take over me.

I no longer have any right to be the mentor for you Dear Reader...I now know how much of a fool I've been.  To think there was a way to "moderate" using Samael's deals...I'm a weak, pathetic, individual...and now I've lost it all.

I killed Robin's mother this week.

After the others got sucked into some trap, I made a deal with Samael...He said he'd offer me power without strings if I'd renew my bargain with him...Let him take over me for a while... I needed to make Robin safe, I needed to save my friends...The faerie dust left me defenseless, weak, and I unfortunately owed Samael...So, I accepted...

Laughter rang in my ears, as I felt his serpentine bod slither into my skin as if it were a pair of stockings. His malice, hellfire, and will to destroy all my life filled my senses and for a short few seconds everything was blackness and sulfur.

Then, I found myself a prisoner in my own body...I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I was literally trapped and made aware that I was supposed to watch the next few events...I knew what Samael was about to do, I knew he was going to kill Robin's mother, I knew it, and yet, I was powerless to stop him.

I watched, as he was invited in, as he grabbed the knife and plunged it into her body. I screamed, I threw myself against the prison of my own mind to no avail, I cried, I begged, I pleaded for Samael to stop...But he was enjoying this...

I had let the devil out to play and there was nothing I could do about it...Some force intervened in the fight and sent Samael flying, I felt shards of glass rip over my skin, a few imbedded themselves into my scalp and hands.

Samael thought it was a ghost...I had no time to feel confused, sirens started blaring in the distance, and then...suddenly, just before Samael was about to have the killing blow...

Robin stepped through the door. 

"Hello, Beautiful. Welcome home." He said the words mockingly, in a voice that was, and was not my own...I felt sick to my stomach...

She punched Samael, I felt my jaw break and I screamed in pain, but Samael simply laughed the injury off and made another attempt at Robin's mother's life...Until finally with a snarl, Caleb tackled me hard and I hit the floor.

He sat atop my chest throwing punches viciously as Samael poured out of my body in a fume of sulphur and heat. He continued to throw punches for the last few seconds I regained control of my now weak, bloody body...I spat blood and I think I begged him to stop.

He did and I blacked out...The next thing I knew, I was lying in bed at the hospital, bound to the bed by handcuffs, with Robin waiting for me to wake up...

The conversation we had lasted less then two minutes...The only part I could remember was:

"We’re over. I’m done. Stay away from my family or I’ll kill you.”

I felt shocked, hurt, and guilty all at once...I screamed against my handcuffs, the nurses heard me and injected me with some more morphine I suppose, since I don't remember them upgrading my police cuffs, to leather bound restraints.

Then, to make matters worse, my mother walks in....

Yes, my Mother. She had been turned into a Vampire it seems through a deal with Samael's lover Lillith...So, every Godfried mother, actually is given a choice, die in childbirth, or come back as a Vampire...My mother had chosen the latter choice...

Truth be told, I don't trust her...She creeps me out...She scares me...And yet here she was, taking me out of my leather restraints, paying for the bail, paying off the cops, and putting the issue mostly underneath the rug...

I was in no shape to argue, or do anything more then accept the invitation to have a burger and to be dropped off at a location of my choosing...I chose Israel's home. The United Church of Saint Jude.

My mother had my "Go bag" conveniently stored in her trunk and said if I needed anything to let her know...I thanked her and decided to write in my journal.

I feel...I feel hollow, but not like the way I feel when I owe Samael a favour...I feel used up, spent, tossed aside and left to blow around in the wind...I feel like I am free, but all the same, not completely in the power to do as I please anymore...

Samael's voice is quieter here, anointing myself with holy water and reading from the Bible periodically seems to lessen his voice in my head.

 He can't enter because of it being Holy Ground, and now I'm left to find more ways to keep him from controlling me.


I think the bottom line Dearest Reader is, I want him gone.


I'm tired of being used and abused because he makes it so, I'm tired of doing as he says, I'm tired of being a master one minute and a pawn the next...


I will be the master of my own destiny.


I have made up my mind...I can't hurt anyone anymore...I can't stand to lose anyone anymore because of him...I can't keep turning into a monster...

And so, I will now devote my life to making him go away...I'll do anything...And then...And then...

Dearest Reader, I think before then...I have to apologize to Robin...I...I don't know how...I...

I killed her mother...I broke her trust...Her heart...She must hate me....It's the right thing to do though....Isn't it?

"...confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed." James 5:16

I'm guilty. I'm not the victim I have made myself out to be...I will beg Robin's forgiveness, and baring that...I will pray she will forgive me in time...

I can change...I just have to make a change.

Yours In Sorry and Confidence,
-V