I went to the funeral of the woman I killed today.
I'm not afraid to write it down anymore, because I'm not afraid to take responsibility for my actions anymore. The more I say it to myself, the more I accept it. The more I accept it, the more I feel how truly monstrous I have been in my short life on this earth.
I know Robin said to stay away from her and her family...But I needed to be there...I needed the closure, the reality of the moment...I killed a woman and she is never coming back.
The only thing I am not proud of was I hid from her sight like a coward...I didn't want to cause a scene...That's the last thing she needs after all I've put her through.
I guess I did pick up a few new tricks after all...
I've been studying for days on new remedies for Demonic possession, real rock salt and Latin kind of remedies. So far, I've found one that keeps Samael's voice out of my head. A simple iron cross, inscribed with Enochian symbols etched along it evoking the protection of St.George...He was a dragon slayer according to legend...Seemed appropriate given Samael's nature.
I probably forgot to mention that Dear Reader:
I can now read Enochian.
When I finally told Israel my new deal with Samael, he hummed and hawed at me, and left me to stew in my own self-pity for an hour. When he returned he threw an old book into my lap and said for me to read the first page aloud, so I did, he then gathered up the book. Nodded at me solemnly and said:
"My hunch was right. Samael did keep his end of the deal."
"What the hell do you mean by that?" I replied angrily.
"You just read Enochian."
I stared at the page in front of me as the symbols swirled into their correct places. They were indeed strange and yet, they resonated with me on a profound level, shaking me to my core, every syllable burning true insight and tangibility into my psyche. I could suddenly see two sets of text before me, an English version, and something altogether new.
He told me it was against the rules for a mortal to learn Enochian, he told me it was probably a part of me that Samael had unlocked to cause me more pain. Apparently the level of comprehension required to understand--let alone read--Enochian could wear away at my mind with every use, but hypothetically of course, it could unlock extraordinary potential.
So, I have taken to learning one symbol every day. Israel has been a patient tutor and becomes increasingly surprised by my grasp and use of the language...But all the learning, all the progress is all a charade.
A charade to hide my truest feelings...
Dearest Reader, I have never felt so hollow...I think about Robin with every waking moment...How much she's suffering, how much she must be going through, and how I am powerless to comfort her...
I am broken, I find myself crying during my studies...I try and hide my feelings from Israel, but he just seems to know when I've just had a rough day.
I've taken to "watching" her in the way that I'd imagine Caleb used to...She's been training herself hard. She jogs every morning with Caleb, taking martial arts classes every evening, followed by weapons training every few nights with Israel by what he tells me.
It's pathetic and beneath me I know, but I need to see her...I miss her tenderness, her touch, the way she used to look and smile at me...
I know we'll probably never be that way again, but I like to see her safe, despite myself.
Caleb seems to be a nice enough guy...I mean, it still hurts me to see them together and I'm not sure if she's moved on with him, or if this is just a temporary thing,--but they seem...Content.
He wants her. I know that for sure...It's in the way he looks at her, like a dog waiting for a treat. His constant smile, in the way he talks to her...It drives me nuts.
He's a predator, make no mistakes, but she seems...In control...Happy. She seems to want him around, need him around, and there is nothing I can do about it...
Except study.
Maybe when this has all been solved, maybe when I finally am rid of Samael for good, we'll find each other again. Maybe one day we'll be together, but it isn't today...
I know she and I need to talk, but for today, I'll be her unknown Sentinel.
Watching. Waiting. Protecting her. The only way I can right now.
Sincerely,
-Vincent Godfried Jr.
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